Not Even Joking

-Mild Language-

An atheist and an evangelist walk into a bar.

The atheist, whose name is Jack, orders his drink and turns around to see what's on the television. He sees the Basketball game is on, and he is pleased. His team is beating their rivals by fifteen points with five minutes left to play. It's the final game of the NBA semifinals and his team hasn't won a national title in decades.

The evangelist, whose name is Mark, orders his drink and stares at the wall, somewhat dazed.

At the basketball game, Jack's team has had a rough run, scoring just 4 points next to their opponents 17.

With five seconds left in the game there is a foul against his team's star player. Two penalty shots. If the opposing team makes both shots, then it goes into overtime, and Jack knows his team is weak under pressure.

The first shot sinks, like a lead weight dropping into a still pond. In the electric silence, the camera zooms in on a fan with their hands clasped.

Jack begins to perspire ever so slightly. It could be the beer and the stuffy atmosphere. But he is nervous.

The next shot leaves the player's hands. It soars toward the backboard, hitting it just right of center. It lands on the rim, spins momentarily, and falls off the rim, and as it bounces off the floor the cheers are deafening. Jack, too, forgets himself, and cheering and whooping. "Hell yeah! We're goin' to the finals, baby! It's about friggin' time!"

Jack catches the glare of the bartender and a few of the patrons. He sheepishly retreats to his bar stool.

Minutes later, in a locker room interview, the star of Jack's team gives the following statement.

"I would like to thank my Mother and my Father for the win tonight. They always supported me, especially putting what money they could towards college so I could keep playing ball. I would like to thank my fans, my coaches, my teammates, and most importantly, I would like to thank God, for He knows how much we wanted this win tonight He was there to make sure that foul shot didn't drop in. Any more questions?"

Before Jack can catch any more of the mindless questions, he says to himself, a bit louder than he realizes, "The nerve of these sports players, thanking God for the game. As if God is up in Heaven watching the game, picking whichever team he wants to win. It's stupid, as if they think God had anything to do with it. If He even exists."

"What was that?" Mark was taken aback.

"Oh, I was just saying how stupid it is for the NBA stars to 'thank God' for helping them win the game. It's like wishing on a fuckin' star, for chrissake."

"Oh, well, I think it's foolish, too. God doesn't play favorites when it comes to sports. He loves all His children, and I think it's a bit blasphemous to think that just by thanking God every time you win a game you'll get on His good side."

Jack, a bit less thoughtful than usual, quipped, "You know, someone ought to tell those dicks to stop saying that. It's not like God is real or anything."

"How can you say that! God shows himself all the time, just not in pro sports."

"Really? That's bull crap. How can there possibly be one super powerful spiritual force that created everything from nothing?"

"Well, the Bible says it's true. I personally can't believe all of that stuff the scientists say about evolution, or primordial soup or anything like that. It's just ridiculous!"

"Well, it makes a ton more sense than that 'creation science' baloney. I mean, how can you say that Earth is only a few thousand years old when we have the fossil record, and radioactive dating, and all of these facts that make it clear that the universe is billions of years old?"

"Maybe God just put that there as a test of faith!"

"Oh. You can't prove me wrong, so you just act like I can't prove you wrong?"

"Well you can't! What if God put all of that there? Hew would you know?"

"It's just ridiculous!"

"Your theory is ridiculous too!"

"What, evolution? At least it's been backed up by scientific discovery."

"And creation is backed up by the Bible!"

"And there you go again. Bible this, Bible that."

"Well there's more to the Bible than just creation."

"Yeah, God screwed an old woman, made a baby who saved all mankind by dying and mysteriously vanishing three days later."

"Jesus went to Heaven!"

"Yeah? Where is Heaven?"

"Well, um..."

"That's what I thought."

"That's not fair! Heaven is where people who truly believe in Jesus go after they die. People who don't go to hell."

"Really? I thought good people stayed in the ground, and bad people stayed in the ground too."

"Well, their bodies stay..."

"Well you want to tell me what a soul is?"

"..."

"I thought as much."

And with this, Jack and Mark stopped arguing momentarily.

On the television, there was a news report about a gay rights organization in California organizing protests at city halls all over the state in protest of proposition 8.

This time Mark was the first to speak.

"You know, what do those gays think they're doing? This is a nation founded on Christian values, and there's no gay marriage in the Bible!"

Jack spat back, "Really? Because I thought that people came to America to pursue religious freedom."

"They were protestants!"

"But that doesn't make all of us protestants! The constitution guarantees the right to religious freedom! I can be as much of a Godless heathen as I want."

"Well I hope your children have more sense than you do, or else they're going to grow up with absolutely no moral base! How can you expect a child to have good strong morality without going to church?"

Jack was silent.

"I can't have any children."

"Well I suppose that's a good thing, no demon spawn of yours running around-"

"You don't understand. I am not legally allowed to raise children. Me and my boyfriend-"

(Now might be a good time to mention that the bar was in Arkansas)

"There's a damn good reason for that! You can't raise children in an unwed family, a kid needs a mom and a dad to grow up and be well-adjusted. And I wouldn't trust kids around a pervert like you anyways!"

"You know, I hope you have a beautiful son or daughter, you raise them the best you can in your little fucked up God-fearing world, and they're just as great as you could ever want then to be, and then one day you find out that they're gay. What would you do? What would you do then?"

"You know what I'd do? I'd take them by their ears and march them into God's house and have the Preacher talk some sense into them! No child of mine is going to make that sort of choice, and if-"

"Choice? You think this is a choice? The only choice I ever made was to stop living a god-awful lie and be honest! And maybe I need to make another choice- pack up everything I own and live somewhere where people don't keep trying to save my soul, or change me, or insult me!"

Jack got up, left a twenty on the bar, and stormed out.

Mark, feeling more vindicated than ever before, got into his car and drove home.

When he got home, he walked in the door and climbed into bed. His wife was away at a business conference.

He stared at the ceiling for a while, as if plagued by a question.