World Peace and a Pony, Part 1.

December 4, 2008

Dear Santa Claus:

You know just as well as I do that Christmas is three weeks from today. Now I know most of the other kids that write you letters are writing to ask for stuff, but instead of an XBox this year, I just want an honest answer to some questions that I have.

First of all, Mr. Claus, I was wondering how the current economic condition in the United States will affect your gift giving. I mean, you give all the children in the world gifts with no obvious source of income apart from mall appearances and television commercials, so there has to have been some sort of investment that you made to pay for all of this. And if you invested anywhere in the United States or Europe, you probably lost quite a bit of money, and heaven help you if you invested in any banks or General Motors. Are we, the recipients of these gifts, to expect smaller presents this year? Or are you going check your naughty and nice lists more critically this year, so the kids who were really good get a gift consistent with previous years?

Also, how do you handle trips to parts of the world that are deemed 'no fly zones'? How do you get to war-torn countries where you put your life at risk just by being in their airspace? IS your sleigh armored?

And Santa, I know that you give gifts to all good girls and boys, but I have a really serious question for you. Last year, I was kind of on bad behavior for a month or so in school, but I still got a Playstation from you. Meanwhile, my best friend Stevie was a good boy who never got into trouble with the teacher, but he just got a Star Wars Monopoly game. He doesn't even like Star Wars, and he also told me that his parents told him that you might not be getting him what he wants this year. The point is, Stevie probably deserved the Playstation that I got. It just wasn't fair. Stevie is one of the nicest boys in school. He gets picked on a little bit because his clothes are kind of old, and because he doesn't get any money for snacks during lunch, he always just has a baloney sandwich and a box of apple juice. The thing that bothers me is that this one kid who punched Stevie in the face last year came back to school from Christmas break and told everyone that you gave him a computer, and I was really mad, because he punched my best friend, and had to see the principal. I had to see the principal too, because I stood up for Stevie and called this kid a bad name.

Basically I want to make it up to Stevie, because he got ripped off last year. I'm not blaming you, it could have been a mistake. But I think I owe it to Stevie, so I'm going to try to make it up to him.

Santa, Stevie's oldest brother is in Afghanistan right now. He's been there twice now, and Stevie really misses him. Now, I can't ask for you to bring Stevie's brother home to him, because that would be a present for him, and he might think it's weird that he gets two gifts from you while I get none. But I think I found a loophole. Santa, I want world peace this year, so Stevie's brother never has to go to war again. That way, Stevie can see his brother again, and there will be no more wars, and all the countries can be friends again. But world peace would be the best because Stevie could see his brother again, and he would be so happy, and Stevie deserves happiness. Can you do that?

I don't care if I anything material this year Santa, I just want Stevie to be happy.

Merry Christmas,
Bobby Smith